Ephesians 5:21-33

Well good morning Saylorville Church. Thanks for being here this morning in the room, or watching online. Happy summer to all of you. You know, a lot of times, summer is wedding season, isn’t it? How many of you have been to a wedding, or are planning to go to one this summer? How many of you wish you were getting married this summer?!

Well, stick around, because this morning, we’re continuing our summer sermon series called, “Real Counsel” with a message on marriage. That’s right folks, we’re going to answer all your questions in the next 35 minutes.

And we’ll be in Ephesians chapter 5, starting in verse 21, but I’m going to skip to the end of the passage and then come back to the beginning. I know that’s what some of you do when you read a book so this won’t bother you at all. And here’s what the Apostle Paul says in Ephesians 5:31-32: 31 As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” 32 This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. (NLT)

So here’s what you need to know right off the bat: Since Genesis chapter 2, the way a man and woman leave their own families and unite together into one as husband and wife in marriage – that’s an illustration of the relationship between Jesus Christ and His true followers, the Church. If you’re married, your marriage is a picture of the gospel. The way you and your spouse treat each other shows the world how Jesus and His church treat each other. There’s a purpose for your marriage, and it’s not primarily to make each other happy, it’s not to make enough money together to retire, and it’s not even to have kids – The number one purpose of every Christian marriage is to be a picture of the gospel. And if that sounds like a goal that’s out of reach for you this morning, I want you to know that there’s hope. If you’re married and you’re barely hanging on, you’re about ready to throw in the towel, and you’re not even sure you can last another week. Don’t quit. Don’t give up. There’s hope.

Listen, marriage is hard. Of course it is. You’ve got two sinful people trying to live in a relationship that Satan wants to ruin and God wants to redeem. The Devil hates anything that looks like the gospel, so when you said “I do”, you enlisted in a spiritual battle. Two imperfect people, one fierce enemy, and a sacred mission – no wonder marriages struggle.

But there is a way to make your marriage amazing. And to find out how, we’ll start back at the beginning of the longest teaching on marriage in the Bible, and that’s in Ephesians chapter 5, starting in verse 21. And we’ll read it out of the New Living Translation:

21 And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. 24 As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.
25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her 26 to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. 27 He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. 28 In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. 29 No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. 30 And we are members of his body.

Okay, we’ll stop there. I should have maybe warned you before I read, that if you’re looking for a politically correct view of marriage this morning, you’re going to be disappointed. Some of what we just read will fly in the face of what’s currently accepted in our culture. And my guess is that, for some of you, phrases like “submit to your husbands” and “the husband is the head of his wife” – these are phrases that cause a little bristle in your heart.

Maybe you’re here this morning and you’re really just investigating this whole Christianity thing, or maybe you’ve been in church your whole life. I just want to ask you as you listen to that passage, what’s your reaction? And then ask yourself, “Why am I responding this way?” Because – and I’ve found this to be true in my own life – The parts of Scripture you wish weren’t in Scripture are often the parts of Scripture you need the most. And it’s possible that there’s something in this passage that God is really gently trying to teach you this morning, and it might just be that thing that makes you the most uncomfortable or even angry. Hang in there with me.

And maybe you’re not married right now. You’re single, divorced, maybe widowed. Hey, don’t fall asleep. Because the Apostle Paul is writing to all of us, and today’s passage flows out of several commands that are for everybody – married or not. In fact, in Ephesians 5, Paul is in the middle of this section about how to live as people who are rooted in the gospel – people who have intentionally decided to turn from their sin to follow Jesus. And in verse 18 Paul says, “Here’s how you can show the world around you that you’re in Christ – that you’re being filled with the Holy Spirit.”

First, don’t get drunk. In other words, don’t be controlled by something or someone else, when you should be controlled by the Holy Spirit.

Next, he says, sing worship songs. Well that makes sense – if you’re a Christian, you should love good music that lifts up Jesus.

And then Paul tells us to be grateful for everything God has given us – the things we might choose and the things we wouldn’t choose. One of the ways the world will know there’s something different about you is if you have a grateful attitude.

And then we hit verse 21, and here’s the next command – people who are being filled with the Holy Spirit should 21 …submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

And there’s that word, “submit.” Some of you tense up every time you see it. But Paul says, this is how all Christians treat each other – by willingly placing themselves under the leadership or the care of someone else that God has put in authority, out of respect for God and in alignment with His design. In the Bible, submission is voluntary, it comes from a place of respect, and shows itself in support. You might think of it this way: Submitting to one another means joining each other in God’s mission to show the gospel to the world through us.

Unfortunately, submission has become a dirty word in our culture today. Some of you have had that word used as a weapon against you. In your marriage maybe, or perhaps even in the broader church. I want you to know this morning, the Bible teaches mutual submission – that you and I – married or unmarried – male or female – should submit to other Christ followers in living out the good news. That Holy-Spirit filled people will show humility, putting each other’s needs before their own – in order to show the world what the gospel really looks like. That’s what submission to one another is all about.

And then, in the rest of the passage, following verse 21, Paul zooms in on the specific roles of wives and husbands to show us how the mystery of marriage actually illustrates the gospel-relationship that Jesus has with His followers. So, for the rest of our time together let’s look at:

Two Ways Marriage (Imperfectly) Pictures The Gospel

And he starts by focusing on the unique role of the Spirit-filled wife, so ladies, here we go.

Marriage pictures the gospel when Wives Submit To Their Own Husbands Respectfully (Vs. 22-24)

So, we all submit to one another because of our relationship with Jesus, but, Christian wives, you have a unique opportunity to make your marriage a picture of the gospel when you willingly submit to your husband’s leadership. Ladies, if you’re married, God has designed a special evangelistic role that’s just for you. When you support your husband, when you come under his God-given leadership, you’re actually showing the world a picture of how Christians submit to the Lord. A living gospel!

Now listen, Ephesians 5:22 might be one of the most misused, misunderstood, and wrongfully memorized verses in the whole Bible! In fact, I would guess that there’s a lot of husbands who can quote it. How many times have you heard a guy – either joking or serious – use that verse? “Wives, submit to your husbands”.

But let’s be clear here. The Bible never ever teaches that women are less valuable or inferior to men. Submission does not mean women shouldn’t ever open their mouths or share an opinion. It doesn’t mean that wives should just obey their husbands blindly or agree to sin or endure abuse of any kind. Ladies, please don’t walk away from here this morning with the idea that you are less loved by God. You have been fearfully and wonderfully made – and if you’re a wife, you’ve been given the unique privilege of showing the gospel to the world by the way you treat your husband.

So how does this work in God’s kind of marriage?

First, wives are commanded to submit to their own husbands. Ladies, if you’re married, your primary human leader is your own husband. That means, your first priority is to submit to and support him – not necessarily other men. In marriage, you’ve made a covenant to one man, not to every man. No woman stands up at her wedding and looks at the audience and vows to submit to every male there. That’s just ridiculous, right? No, she says, “I do” to one man. Wives, that’s a gift you give only to your husband.

And that’s what the Church does with Jesus too. When you repented of your sin, believed in the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus on your behalf, when you became a follower of Jesus, in a sense, you looked at Him and said, “I do.” Christ became your leader, your guide, your protector, the Savior of your soul. Nobody else fulfills that role for the Church. As the Bride of Christ, we submit to the Groom. We don’t share our loyalty with other “gods”. We don’t play the field, or date around. Christian, you’re in a committed relationship with the God of the universe. It’s not complicated. Like God’s plan for human marriage, the Church submits to her own husband – Jesus Christ.

But here’s the question some of you ladies are asking, “What if I have a hard time respecting my husband sometimes? What if I don’t think I should submit to him? What if he’s not even a Christian?” “You don’t expect me to submit to him, do you?”

And this is a hard question. And obviously, wives, there are situations of abuse, or manipulation that are clearly not in mind here. Ladies, if you are being abused physically, emotionally, or in any other way, you need to get help immediately. Submitting to abuse is not biblical submission. And if your husband is asking you to sin, you submit to God rather than submitting to your husband.

But, listen, the Bible doesn’t qualify the husband here. God doesn’t say, “As long as he’s a good guy, you should submit to him.” Or, “If you agree with him, you should submit to him.” Submission in those circumstances doesn’t picture the gospel – even unsaved wives do that.

Think of it this way – what would happen if the church said, “As long as I like what God is telling me to do, I’ll submit.” Or, “I’ll submit when I feel like it.” The church simply doesn’t have that option. We choose to submit because the gospel is more important than our preferences.

What Paul does say to the wives is, “submit to your own husbands as to the Lord.” In other words, the focus of your submission isn’t actually your husband, it’s God Himself. You could translate this, “submit to your own husbands as a way of submitting to God, or as if you are submitting to God.”

Paul says the same thing to employees in the next chapter, “Work with enthusiasm, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people.” (Ephesians 6:7) and in Colossians 3:23, “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men.”

Your boss could be a complete loser and the Bible says, “You submit to that boss because you’re actually working for the Lord.”

So, ladies, when you willingly line up under the leadership of your husband – and he could be a complete loser – I get it – but when you submit to him, you’re actually submitting to God. And when you manipulate, or secretly go around him to get what you want, or disrespectfully throw him under the bus in front of other people, it’s as if you’re doing those things to Jesus. So, wives, submit to your own husbands, as if you are submitting to the Lord Himself.

Now, husbands, you stay out of this for a second, okay? Don’t be elbowing your wife to make sure she’s listening! Wives, this is between you and God. This is part of your worship here this morning. Ask yourself – What are some situations recently where I’ve had a hard time submitting? How do I try to justify or excuse my lack of submission at times? Is there something that God might be trying to reveal in my life that I’ve been trying to control, or trying to grab away from my husband? Or maybe just ask yourself this question, “If Saylorville Church responded to Jesus the way I normally respond to my husband, how would this community picture the gospel?”

Wives, when you choose to submit to and respect your own husband, you’re showing everybody in your home, in your community, and in your church what the relationship between Christ and His Bride should look like. This is a calling from God. It’s your duty and your privilege. And it’s God’s design for your marriage and an illustration of the gospel.

So, marriages picture the gospel when wives submit to their own husbands like the Church submits to Christ.

And now, the Bible speaks directly to the husbands. And all the wives said, “Amen!”

So let’s get back into Ephesians 5 and read verses 25-30 again. And guys, as I do this, just pick out the main verbs – the actions – of what a husband who is filled with the Holy Spirit should be all about:

25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her 26 to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. 27 He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. 28 In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. 29 No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. 30 And we are members of his body.

So, here’s the second way that marriage pictures the gospel: Husbands Love Their Own Wives Selflessly (Vs. 25-30)

The way wives are designed to show the gospel is through respectful submission. The way husbands do it is through selfless love.

And some of you have noticed that husbands have a lot more written to them in this passage compared to wives, and I’m sure there are lots of women who could comment on why that may be the case! But here’s essentially what Paul says, and it’s not a confusing command. It’s pretty straightforward. “Husbands, love your wives with the same kind of selfless love that Jesus has for the Church.”

So let’s look at this love that husbands get to show our own wives.

First of all, the word translated “love” in our English Bibles here is that Greek word, “agapao”. You might have heard that before. Agape love. This is the highest form of love in the New Testament. Guys, this isn’t the kind of love you have for pizza, or fishing, or your favorite football team. This love isn’t based on emotion or attraction, but a deliberate, intentional commitment to do what’s best for someone else. It’s a love that refers to an unconditional, sacrificial, covenantal choice. You’ve heard this verse – John 3:16, “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” Or maybe you’ve read Romans 5:8, “But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

Both of those loves are that agape love. That intentional, sacrificial, covenantal love. Now look at this quickly and notice a few things about both of these verses. Who’s doing the agape in both of these verses? It’s God, right? And who are the recipients of this agape? It’s us, the world, humans, people like you and me – while we were still sinners.

So agape is the kind of love that God shows us in the gospel – that Jesus intentionally, sacrificially, and selflessly gave up His life on earth so that we might spend eternal life with Him in heaven.

Now watch this – Paul says, “Husband, remember how Jesus loves the world? That’s how I want you to love your wife.” It’s that same word in Ephesians, agape. Men, agape your bride just like Jesus agapes the church.

Jesus gave up His life for the Church. His love for His bride literally led Him to the cross. Now, almost every husband in here would say he would die for his wife. Dying to save your wife is a pretty manly way to go.

But, let’s be honest. This is Ankeny, Iowa. Most of us will never be in that kind of situation. What’s far more likely is that you’ll be asked to die to yourself every day. To kill your own self-interest. To put your wife’s needs before your own. Each and every moment, husband, you get to be the one who agapes your wife by crucifying your own desires. It’s a sacrificial love.

A couple years ago, I was talking to this older guy who had been married for like 100 years, and I asked him what his secret was. And said, “You know, I used to not serve my wife at all. Until one day I was awake really early in the morning so I washed the dishes before my wife got up. When she came out into the kitchen she just melted. She loved it! So, I started waking up early and washing the dishes every day, and just finding little ways to serve my wife. And that’s a simple way I can love her.”

So…I tried it! Meredith and I get out of bed around the same time in the morning, and at some point Meredith would make the bed while I was getting ready for work. And for some reason, she just loves it when the bed is made. I don’t get it. But I don’t have to get it – I just know she loves it.

So I’m having this conversation with this guy and he tells me about the dishes and I think, “Well, maybe I should make the bed.” And so one morning, Meredith is getting ready and I make the bed – takes about 13 seconds – even with the 30 pillows and 15 different blankets. And she comes into the bedroom and her eyes light up and she looks at me and is like, “You know, I love it when the bed is made. I just appreciate it so much, and I think you’re really attractive when you make the bed.” Except she didn’t say attractive, but I’m trying to keep this PG this morning.

Now listen, I could care less personally about having a made bed, but if it’s something I can do to show my wife that I love her? You better believe I’m going to be making that bed every chance I get. It’s like a game now in the mornings – who can make the bed first – I love it. And she loves it because it’s a tiny little way that we can be a little more like Jesus every day.

And I know that’s silly, and for you in your marriage, it’s probably something different. Maybe it’s cooking dinner, or folding the socks, or paying the bills. It doesn’t really matter. But the point is this – husbands – you’re the man, and the only man by the way – that gets to die to yourself every day as you live for your wife. Give yourself up for her. Go the extra mile. Serve her sacrificially. That’s how you show her, and everyone else in your home, a picture of the gospel.

But some of you guys are like, “But this woman I’m married to. She’s just the worst sometimes! She’s so demanding, and hard to love, and she was actually pretty when I married her.” Listen, husbands, the Bible doesn’t qualify the wife here either. God doesn’t say, “As long as your wife is easy-going, you should serve her.” Or, “You only need to love her when she gives you something in return.” Loving someone selflessly in those circumstances doesn’t picture the gospel – even unsaved husbands can do that! Love your wife sacrificially.

Now there’s another aspect to this agape love that we need to touch on this morning, and it’s right here in verses 26-27: Jesus gave up His life for His bride so that He might 26 make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. 27 He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault.

Husbands, if you want to love your wife with an agape kind of love, it will be a sacrificial love. You’ll need to put your own desires aside for the sake of your bride. But this agape love is also a sanctifying love. It’s a purifying love. It’s a love that intentionally helps your wife grow in her relationship with Jesus.

Like Jesus does with us, the husband helps to create an environment where his wife can thrive spiritually. Husbands, your wife should feel safe enough to talk to you about anything in the world. That means you need to listen to her. Put down your phone and look at her in the eyes. Jesus doesn’t just talk to His Bride – He listens to her. He knows her heart. Husbands, you can’t love like Jesus if you don’t know your wife’s soul. Encourage her to take time to soak in God’s Word. Maybe that means you help get the kids ready in the morning so she has time with the Lord. Men, pray that your wife would resist temptation and find her identity in Jesus. And that might mean she needs to be freed up to spend a night every week with other women in a Community Group. Husbands, we gotta figure out how to create this kind of environment in our marriages.

You’ve got this privilege and incredible responsibility to be the spiritual leader of your home. Your wife may be smarter than you. She probably is. She may be more sensitive to the Holy Spirit than you are. She may have more of a desire for God’s Word than you do. But, men, if you want to love your wife like Jesus loves the church, you need to care for her spiritually.

Why? Because somehow one day, in eternity, you’re going to present her to Jesus Himself. And you’re going to want to give her to Jesus as holy and as spotless and as pure as possible. And that’s not primarily her pastor’s role in her life, that’s not her father’s role, that’s not her best friend’s role. Husband, that’s you.

So how are you doing on earth preparing your wife for heaven? The gospel tells us that Christ lived and died and rose again to make His Bride holy. Husbands, in the same way, you’re married to your Bride to make her holy.

Are you? Are you loving your wife like Jesus loves the church? What are some ways that you regularly serve her sacrificially? Not the normal things that you enjoy doing, or that are just on your chore list, but the things that really mean a lot to her. The things that take sacrifice. Are you talking to your wife about how she’s becoming more like Jesus? What she’s learning from God’s Word, what she’s praying for, what she’s struggling with right now? Are you leading your family spiritually – family devotions, prioritizing coming to church, serving together, joining a Community Group, telling people about Jesus in your home and your neighborhood? And maybe, here’s just a final question to ask yourself, husbands, “If Jesus loved the church the way I love my wife, how would this community picture the gospel?”

Paul ends this passage by pointing again to the purpose of marriage – to show the world what the gospel really looks like. This whole marriage thing, 32 This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one.

And this kind of marriage is possible. Your marriage can be a picture of the gospel. You can be a wife that submits to your husband out of respect. You can be a husband that loves your wife sacrificially. But this kind of marriage isn’t possible without Jesus. Two sinners without a Savior can never fully display God’s purpose for marriage. But that can change today. Come to Jesus. Believe in the gospel, and then live the gospel in your marriage today.